Why Do We Fall in Love With the Wrong People?

Ali Raza
3 min readApr 3, 2021

I have avoided this article since forever but I can’t avoid it anymore. Maybe because I have been listening to Nusrat. His ghazals have kinda forced me to write this one 🙃.
I think I was avoiding this for so long because I thought I was not qualified to write this. People who have never been in love, have no right to talk about love, right? Well, I’m not gonna define love anyways so es muss sein.

I don’t think I have been in that kind of love which people usually talk about. The kind in which boys become spiritual or agree to do anything to chase their lover. But I can assure you that I have been attracted to some people. I’ve surely been very close to some people. There were times when I saw my soulmate(s) fading away but I couldn’t do anything about it.

What is love?

Love? it can be defined in a hundred ways but the one that touches my soul is this definition by Alan.

To love somebody is simply wanting them to be alive. — Alan Watts

Name it love or whatever you want, I’m gonna talk about the kind in which we get attracted to someone so badly that we stop being ourselves. We try our best to be the version we think they would like to be with. We agree to all their terms not thinking rationally for a second. We bear their bitter and cold behavior. We do all the struggle just to later see them fade away and feel betrayed.

Even though we feel like the person who doesn’t want to be with us anymore has betrayed us but it is not so. It is completely natural.
In fact, without any realization, at some point in your life, you might have done the same to somebody. You might have been that betrayer in someone’s eyes. You might have taken someone as not-so-important despite them taking you as their soulmate.


I would like to call these reasons my personal biased opinions. Of course, you can argue otherwise, I love skeptical people anyway.

As I have already mentioned in my previous article that our personalities are formed in before-memory. The reason for us choosing a difficult partner can even root back to early childhood.

It is about that sense of familiarity. Maybe the people who were supposed to treat us kindly were harsh to us and as a result, now, we feel familiar with the people who treat us harshly.

Photo by Karim MANJRA on Unsplash

While the above can be the logical explanation but the mind can’t just settle on a logical explanation, can it? It needs that aesthetic, philosophical explanation.

I think we get pulled towards them like this just for the sole purpose of realizing that we can’t get them. Maybe we subconsciously know that we can never get to be with them and that’s exactly why they touch our souls so deeply. After all, the most beautiful things in life are the ones we can’t get.

It is like the universe makes us meet those people just for us to realize that we can’t get them. It seems absurd, right? So is life.

In a way, life is kinda similar. It’s like we are here to realize that it is not about us 🙂.



Ali Raza

Software developer // writer. Into philosophy, literature, and comp. science.